I am no musician or flutist. I am just a dude who would value your opinion regarding my wife who’s gradually acting strange ever since she started playing flute again. She earned her non-music degree on top of her class in one of the finest universities, where she also earned her first Master’s. She became top notch in what she does, rather did. Then one morning about two years ago, she suddenly woke up and said that her flute is sick. Heck! I did not even know she has one. Then my mother in law told me that my wife began reading notes at 3. She used to play piano and flute quite well until she was thirteen, but it was discouraged as my in-laws think that there is no much future or money with music or any art form (a part of Asian culture). Well, after about a year into getting acquainted with her ‘sick’ flute, my wife decided that she wants to change career path. She claims that there is just no much challenge in her career at that time anymore. And in order to balance the calming effect of music playing, she needs stress from elsewhere. I can never ever understand this and her behavior that follows this event.

She had her flute stand made of silver by a silversmith abroad, an unwise investment for a very old flute in my opinion. She cleared a room in our house that has nothing in it right now but a standing flute in the middle, a music stand, a file of music books and air purifier. This room is accessible by her only. Then at night time, she sleeps with her flute standing by her right side. The first thing she does in the morning and the last she does at night is talk to her flute. Our children think that this is funny, but it is horrific to me.

We live in a high rise building and neighbors complained about her practicing late nights or early morning. So when after much options proved hopeless, she told me that she will either convert one room in our apartment sound-proof or we will move to a landed property (an option that is very costly in this part of earth).

She has become !*****! and easily-excited over small things, like a teenager. She has become tender to me and more understanding as a mother to our kids. She has also become more compassionate with others. I love these changes. But I kinda miss the person that I married. The one with logical or mathematical quantification for everything, the one who said that love is but an excuse for either lack of self-interest or !****!ed cerebral development (which she believes is inherent to humans).

One time I caught her crying while listening to a boring classical piece. She says that the sadness of the composer is so heart-wrenching. She got inspired. She then plays this particular sad piece (the type that talks to my heart) every now and then. She told me that this piece is created solely for herself and by herself, because nobody can understand how lonely it is to lose and try to find the love that she lost in the dark. Goosebumps! I do not know this person at all.

I think she is highly conscious of my reaction to these all. Because just three nights ago, she sat me down and asked me what it is about her that I fell in love with. When I did not answer, she told me that she hopes I will be patient with her but she will truly genuinely understand me and still love me if I want to move on alone.

Please don’t get me wrong. I love my wife dearly and I admire her in a million ways. It’s just that she is acting too strange in a rate that I can’t catch up with. Is this behavior normal to musicians? I am thinking that maybe she is subconsciously catching up with her lost time or lost interest. What can I do to support her in her music come-back in a well-balanced manner (because I feel lost in the middle of it all)? I am willing to embrace the ‘musician’ but too scared to lose the ‘intellectual’…

The fourth paragraph has two auto encrypted(??) words. The first one is the word g.a.y. (meaning happy and bright) and the second one is r.e.t.a.r.d. (meaning stopped from fully developing). Sorry.

It sounds like she lost her friend, like her best friend died years ago and a part of her did to. She obviously wants it back and it has become quite and obsession to her. It might have been a traumatic experience of her when she was studying the flute, especially not having the support she needed or wanted. I think that she is trying to bring it back and wants to love it and her self again.

What to do? Talk...talk..talk. Talking is the best way in my opinion to get all these feeling out to her. Have her read what you wrote here, or write a long letter to her. I have never heard of this type of behavior in another musician myself, but there is obviously something wrong.

Sit in the room and listen to her play. Give her compliments, let her know that you support her 100%. I am a married flutist of almost 6 years and I think that it is the best thing that my husband always supports me. In his eyes, I will always be the worlds best flutist. (Even though I am FAR from it!)

She sound depressed. If you don't mind, can I ask you a personal question? Is she on any medications or has in the past two years started taking a different medication? Medicine, can do all sorts of things with the brain. Just ask me...I am a manic depressant and have to keep it in check.

I am in no way a doctor of any kind, so this is just me, trying to help.
A doctor may be needed. I hope that this was helpful to you at all and I will definitely keep you and your family in our prayers.

<Added>

Also, how old is your wife? It way have some bearing on what has been going on with her.

She is in her mid-30's. She is not on medication. I do not know of any event that will cause her to be depressed. She just keeps on telling me that she has done a good job to being the best daughter and mother, but she thinks that she is also born to be herself.

I tried my best to appreciate her when she plays but I guess it sounds fake as I am a bruce springsteen kind of guy. The type of pieces that she loves to play range from very sad to very fast jolly type (more like a bird sound). My friend who is a pianist thinks that she is very good, and I may agree because she is my wife but it's just not my cup of tea at all. However I really enjoy her new-found kindness and that shine in her eyes- it's kinda like the shine in her eyes the first time she saw our eldest child after delivery.

All these years, I have seen people having indulgence in some sorts, from gambling to gardening and I am wondering what hers is. Now I think I am beginning to discover it is. I just hope that it won't be this extreme.

I want to see specialist about this but I may insult her just by suggesting.

Kara. That is a good advise. I will work on a letter to tell her how I feel about her.

Hi Sting45,

Keep in mind that I believe that this is a psychological issue and not a music related or probably not a feminine issue exactly and as such this site is not for these kind of things so any comments are basically to be taken with a grain of salt and may not be correct assumptions.

Your wife may be experiencing a normal issue about her life and what she is expecting of it. Kind of a mid-life crisis. Her flute may be sick (or not) but she may also be kind of sick. Probably, she is kind of sick of being what she is. Not that she doesen't love her family or her work. THere is probably nothing new in her life for several years. It's looking like things aren't going to be very exciting or enriching for her until death. She isn't going to be making any major contributions to the world. Things are just ordinary.

I believe that musical people for what ever reason have a need to communicate through music. It is a form of expression that can only be released through music. She may have been very good at an early age and developed this form of expression. She may have been really appreciated for her abilities when she was young. Now she is locked into a life of being the perfect worker, wife, mother, daughter and is thinking subconsciously that there should be more maybe that she should be more special and more appreciated for being special and is trying to return to that time when she was enjoyed for being special.

What to do? I would be very careful with the next step. She may work things out on her own. She may need counseling. She may need encouragement or just need to be appreciated more. She may need a break from the routine of life. A vacation of some form. For all I know, it could be a break-down of sorts or just an indulgence / hobby that she wants to be her own private special world. Think about that boring classical piece that you mentioned. It was apparently boring to you but far from boring to her. Try to understand her or that piece. It may be a key.

BTW: Thinking that there is no money in the arts is not particularly an Asian cultural difference. It's fairly universal. Few musicians make a lot of money at it but they do love their work and they are doing what they want or what they need to do. In my town in the US, the general conception about work was to graduate from school and get a job in the steel mills. THe Mills provided a great salary and benefits. Now if I did that, I would have lost my job after 5 years because all the mills closed down at that time and I would have been untrained to do anything else.

~Bilbo

Sorry to say this, sting. But your post sounds very strange to me. At the beginning I supposed it was a joke of a very bad taste.

But valuable people in this Forum has taken it quite seriously, it could be an issue of cultural differences that makes me be totally wrong and I am ready to apologise, be it the case.

But, please, please, please, is you question really serious?

Because just three nights ago, she sat me down and asked me what it is about her that I fell in love with. When I did not answer,

Out of all of the things you said in this post, this alone makes me very sad. Your wife was coming to you to ask you to confirm your feelings for her and you couldn't tell her why you fell in love with her. She needed your affirmation that although she may be acting strange you understood and still loved her, but I feel you let her down in this respect.

I don't care how long you are married to woman or how well you think you know her, a woman always has secrets from the world that most people will never understand. It's just how we are.

I think your wife is trying to compensate for something in her life that is missing, and honestly it sounds like you might be part of the problem. From what you wrote, it sounds to me like your wife lived the life everyone else wanted her to live. She gave up music because her parents thought it wasn't important. She changed careers, married you, had children, and lived the "typical" life of most women across the world. Somewhere in all of that she forgot who she was and the things that made her happy. It sounds to me like she is trying to figure out what in her life is missing.

Honestly, I would recommend you both make an appointment to go to a marriage counselor and figure out the root of the problem for both of you. Your reactions to her new personality seem a little odd, as if you are not quite sure how you feel about her not fitting into the cookie cutter role she has lived in the past. I feel there is a deeper issue in your relationship than your wife talking to her flute, and you both need to go and work on it. Your wife just gave you and out to your relationship. Consider it test #2 and don't fail that one.

If you allow me a rather hard comment, though I try to avoid being rough, but I suspect that this thread has a false start.

There are several details that don´t hold together in this story. Sorry to say this, but it sounds to me as a teenager trying to pull our legs with an invented tale. It's so frequent in Internet (and sometimes in Forums), that I have developed a kind of red light alarm when I see one. And the red light is shinning bright at this moment.

I cannot believe that illustrated people can come to a flutist Forum asking such unconceivable innocent questions such as "Is this behavior normal to musicians? That can only be a (bad) joke. Or this presumed husband must have been living in outer space so far.

In the doubtful case that this was a real story and not a hoax, this woman (and possibly also her husband) must consult immediately with a psychiatrist, as she may be suffering a severe syndrome that could already be, or soon become, a psychosis. Before saying this, I have shown the original post to an expert.

Normal people cannot talk to (except for merited sporadic insulting), sleep with and enshrine a "sick" flute and everything keep going on more or less normally, as if nothing serious was happening!

I appreciate the good intentions of counseling in this opportunity, but (in the case the tale was true), this is a very serious problem that cannot be treated in this (or any other) Forum. What this people need is medical attention, now and fast. The more they wait, the worst the outcome may be.

to jose,

good call!

Bilbo, I agree with you that my wife may be tired of assuming roles perfectly. But I disagree with you in saying that she wants more appreciation for being special. Believe me, she is far far more special in my eyes, and to the industry where she used to belong. She does not display any desire to have audience when she plays the flute, so in this regard you are right to say that she just want to be in her own private world.

As a husband, it is normal to look for a scapegoat in analyzing what was wrong with her, I guess this is because it’s not easy to accept certain things about your loved ones although there may be some truth in it. Sorry in asking whether this behavior is normal to music geniuses. In my mind I am holding to that hopeless hope that this may be normal. Such as if people can talk to plants, why can’t she do the same with her flute. But I agree with you that this kind of stuff may not be appropriate to post on this website, and for that I apologize to all of you. This is my last reply.

To Kara, I can’t thank you enough for your genuine concern and desire to help us. I made a letter and tucked it under her pillow two days back. She approached me last night and asked if I am ready to talk. Being the kind of person that she is, I think she has been working things out by herself. She explained to me the effort she had to exert in order to keep her flute and piano when she was little. She has to study triple hard because her parents would sell them once she goes below top three in over-all ranking. The time came when her private music teacher suggested to her dad to have her professionally assessed for her musical abilities. This is the time when her piano got sold and her teacher fired. So she has to study flute by herself. Her father also brought her to meet various kinds of artists, from painters to musicians, who did not do well and asked her: ‘is this the kind of life that you want?’ After a few years she told her father that she dreams of being in a symphony and also told her father that symphony musicians make comfortable living. This is the time that her flute got sold! She felt hurt and angry. So she thought of just giving them what they want and afterwards pick up playing again when she is already able to support herself. She also studied and worked hard to be accepted to universities abroad because she believes that staying away from home gives her liberty to do whatever she wants and that West has a lot to offer to musicians. It has to be the best university or her father would opt for a local uni. The first thing she does abroad is work part-time while studying and after one year, she purchased a vintage model American flute. But competition in her uni is tough and anytime her grade falls below her father’s quota, her parents would want her back. So she put the flute back into its case on her junior year and concentrated on her studies. She promised the flute that the day will come when it would never stay in its case ever again. She just had to satisfy her ‘obligation’ to her parents first. Then she got carried away with the fame and fortune making after graduation.

Then the day comes when she remembered her flute in its old case. She told me that she does not desire any achievement as a player. It’s just her comfort zone. She recalled that tight pushing feeling that she had when she was working her way up after graduation, she says that it is far more taxing than stress itself. When she holds her flute again, it seems that all of those struggles are eased and everything becomes pleasure. She slept with her flute beside her because she’s scared that it will be taken away, but she says that reality is slowly stepping in and she finally realized that it will always be around. She told me that she had a glimpse of that love that she lost in the dark and therefore it may not be lost for long anymore. And that there is nothing that she loved more to do since youth but play music openly. She wished she had been more persistent with it like the westerners but she loved her parents too much – she is the real only child they had after 18 years of trying.

She apologized for being odd. She says that she is highly aware of it too, far earlier before the scary reaction of her own mother. But she does not care. She gets absorbed when she closed her private music room. I noticed that she is getting a little more comfy playing around the house lately and I hope that this is a good sign.

Kara, you know this feeling after jogging on the treadmill for 30 minutes then you want to cool off and drink a jug of ice-cold water? I guess what’s happening to her is the same. And music playing is that jug of ice cold water for her. I have a feeling that she will gradually return back to her old self but music will be a new additional part of our life. However, I presume that this is too simplistic. My brother stayed in our place last month to ask for my wife’s opinion about some satellite designs. He told me that she also showed him designs for flute. He found it strange that her concentration on the subject is so intense. He joked about the thin line that separates a genius from a looney. He suggested a professional evaluation.

She recently received a very lucrative offer to take a position in a company. She may or may not reconsider. I want to cultivate her interest in this offer but I am thinking that this might aggravate the case as the position seems too stressful to her. And this may sound a little bitter, but she may display her odd behavior and totally destroy her reputation (don’t worry, this e-mail can’t be tracked to original person). The only thing that astounds me is this. She may have a problem like what some of you suggest but she is totally consciously aware that her behavior is odd.

I tried to tell two of my friends about a problem that my other friend (that’s me) has. I changed the identity of characters. They too think that the problem is too obvious. Either my friend is blind or he is joking.

I suggested a professional evaluation to her. She looked scared and cried for the first time. Anyway, she said that she would agree to prove that there is nothing wrong with her but she agreed only in one condition. We have to seek that advise abroad. I do not know the reason behind this as the doctors here are also as professionally competent as the ones abroad, but I agree.

However, there’s one thing that bothers me. Some of the things that I posted here are not included in my letter. But she knows it all, such as me finding her flute stand a wasted investment. There is a chance that she visits this forum, my biggest mistake that can’t be undone.

Please understand that it is a very emotional process, not only to her but to me too. Some people may laugh at her but it is excruciatingly hurtful for me to see her in this state. And for this reason, and before any cruel unprofessional judgement becomes convincing, it is wise that I sign off.

Thanks a lot to everyone and to you Kara. I am so sorry to have caused this kind of stir in your forum. Any misguided assumptions that is insulting is never my intention and if damage is caused, I apologized sincerely. It is a pleasure to have your advise. Goodbye.

Sting,
I am so glad that you decided to write down some of your feeling on paper to her. I bet it mean the world to her. Now I can see where she is coming from a bit more with the whole flute dilemma. If someone would have taken my music away from me, especially my own parents, that would have made a HUGE impact on my life. I hope she is able to bring back the part of herself that was so abortively taken away from her. It really sounds like that is what she is trying to do. I wish you luck with this and am sorry we couldn't help more.