Maybe this would belong in a psychology forum, but since you may have found a similar problem at some point, I thought I'd ask here first. I know there is no right answer to my problem, but I'd like to hear some opinions, if possible. It's egos I'm going to discuss.

I've been playing the French horn for twenty-two years now. I play in two bands: the local music school one (for twenty years), and the 'senior' one (for eleven years), which is better, and which is the one which plays at the town's local festivals.

I live in a smallish town where everybody knows everybody in the amateur music scene, and where there are no jobs, meaning most people must emigrate to other places when they reach the working age or when they want to go to university. Among other things, this means that there are only three amateur adult French horn players: two brothers and yours truly. Even my horn tutor comes from a different place 50 km away. The two brothers are younger than me, although they started playing the French horn before I did. But by the time they took up the horn, I had already completed a 8-year piano degree at the conservatoire, which means -or should mean- my general musical training is at least not worse than theirs. None of them has finished his horn degree, though they studied at the conservatoire (and I didn't). I know comparisons are odious, but I need to draw some so you can understand what I'm talking about.

I my opinion, the younger brother plays clearly worse than I. His tone is definitely ugly and wobbly, he can't play quick notes to save his life, he struggles with notes above high E, and most of the notes he plays don't have a definite beginning (sorry, but I don't know the techcnical names in English). The elder brother is better, though he shares the ugly sound with his brother. Whenever he must play loudly, he goes completely out of tune and it starts sounding like an elephant. He misses many notes, especially when the music is more or less complicated, and many of his notes don't start clearly, either. But his main trait is that he's amazingly self-assured. He does believe he's Dennis Brain, and nothing scares him. As for me, I'm going to try to be honest. I do believe my sound is more beautiful than the two brothers' (actually, my tutor says that's my strongest point). I'm not good at high notes (I'm not excessively worried up to high F, I get somewhat scared up to flat A, and for some reason I can't get past that unless I'm exercising and going up little by little). I'm bad at playing fast, but I think my attack (was that the right term for the beginning of the notes?) is much more definite that theirs. I can play legato (while I can hear the two brothers using their tongues when they shouldn't). I'm not too good at reading at first sight. And my sense of what is going on around me in the entire band is worse than the elder brother's (I suspect the younger one is worse than me at this). And I'm just the opposite of the elder brother: my lack of confidence often makes me not hit the notes just because I believe I won't be able to do it right.

The elder brother has been in the 'senior' band since it was created, when he was a teenager, some twenty-five years ago, and he believes he's the life and soul of the band. The younger brother (who is much younger) joined it just one or two years before I did. Until this year, the elder brother always played first horn, and the younger brother and I played second horn (or he played second horn and I played third or fourth horn). Last year, the elder brother got ill on the day of a concert, and the younger brother had the awful resposibility of playing first horn at first sight. After that, the elder brother has decided it's time his brother had a go at first horn. So now they both play first horn, and I play whatever remaining horn is lower.

This arrangement has always been all right for me. I have no need to show off, and knowing I'm first horn wouldn't make me feel better or more important. I do like playing a low voice, not only because it's easier, but because I do like being at the bottom of the chords. And if I asked to be first horn and I screwed it up, they would reproach it for it, while they seem to get away with everything. But lately, there are two things related to this that are bothering me.

A couple of years ago, the elder brother lost his job, and he thought a good way of using part of the time he has on his hands now would be rejoining the music school band (which he had left before I joined it twenty years ago). They encourage anyone to play in it, even if you aren't a student at the school, because it makes the band sound better. In this band, I'd always been second horn, too. There always are young kids playing there who usually leave when they have to go away to university, and I'm happy to let them be first horn (as I said, I enjoy being second horn), as many go on to the conservatoire and it's good for them to have as much practise as possible. For about three months before the elder brother came to this band, I was left alone, which meant I had to be first horn. I thought it was good for me, as I think this type of responsibility is good for one's learning. When this guy came, we had something like three rehearsal sessions left before a concert. I had been practising the first horn parts, so I handed him the second horn ones. In the first rehearsal, I noticed that he was peeping at my sheet music whenever he had several rest bars or whenever I was playing something which was busier than his part, and playing the same as me. And at the beginnig of the second rehearsal, he directly suggested that we swapped our sheet music. Needless to say, in the concert he played first horn, and I played second. And it's been like that since then.

While this suits me in the 'senior' band, I feel uncomfortable in the school band. As I said, I wasn't concerned about this before, but I think the conductor (who is one of the school tutors) should realise it's me who's paying to play there (it's free for the 'advanced guests') and that playing first horn is part of my training. I may be wrong, but that's my opinion. But I can't make up my mind to complain, when so far I've never minded being second horn. On the one hand, I know that if I did, the elder brother would end up playing first horn too. It's stronger than he is: he HAS TO play first horn and, not only that, he feels the urge to play whatever he thinks is important and not played well enough by the right person. You can hear him replacing or doubling any instrument from tuba to clarinet whenever what the horn must play is less interesting. He doesn't do so especially well (for example, it's like having a very out-of-tune tuba by my side!). Either the conductor doesn't realise what's going on, or he approves it. Myself, I believe this behaviour is insulting to other players, but I don't know whether anyone but me notices it. On the other hand, the second reason why I haven't mentioned this to anyone is that the elder brother (well, the two of them) is a lovely guy who I know does everything with the best of intentions, and I wouldn't like to hurt his feelings.

The second issue is that I've lately realised that my reputation as a horn player is terrible. Probably because who has been promoted to second first horn player in the 'senior' band is the younger brother, who's very bad, everyone has assumed I'm even worse. The other day, during a rehearsal with the school band in which the elder brother wasn't present, we practised some music where he had a solo. When this happens, the conductor usually asks someone else to have a go at it, saying everybody must be prepared to stand in in case they must play something different from what they usually play. Well, in this case, he just sang the horn solo. He didn't ask me whether I'd like to play it. It made me feel bad. Of course I would have messed it (but that's exactly what happened when Elder Brother played it, and it was even worse in the concert).

I'm almost starting to think I don't play as well as I think I play. I mean, the conductors of both bands, and the musicians too, have ears and must know more or less how each of us can play. And if everybody thinks the brothers, especially the elder one, are good and I'm worse, won't it be because it's actually so? The elder brother is considered one of the 'pros' in the town. And if there's something I dislike, it's people who show off when they have no reason to do so. I'd hate to think I'm one of them.

Have you ever found yourselves in a similar situation? Would you let things be as they are, or would you try and do something to change them? I've always thought that I must practise and improve so as to get as good as I can without paying attention to what others do or whether they are better than me. But in this case, I cannot help seeing myself in context together with the elder brother, and it's starting to affect me. Lately, I've missed a couple of rehearsals with the school band on purpose, because I didn't feel like going there. It's the first time in twenty years that it's happened, and it worries me.