Hi, I`m 18 too and I`m looking to be in a band. (random thoughts
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Here`s my two cents anywyay..
It could work if you get the right melody, however, there are one or two things you might want to think about.
First, melody and balance.
No more faking who I’m not
It’s my life I’ll write my plot
Keep your propaganda to yourself
I sure as hell don’t need your help -i`m guessing this is your chorus.
This has to be memorable; it has to stand out somehow. You can do this in the music; a good example is Velvet Revolver`s Slither; they have a syncopated (offbeat) main riff for the verse whereas the chorus is brought out by huge block power chords. It sounds so big and heavy and its awsome. lol
Another thing you could try is altering the words a little. As it is now, the number of syllables in each line of text is similar to the verse. Why not try and vary?
For example;
No more faking who I’m not --- i`m gonna be me
It’s my life I’ll write my plot--- And there`s nothin for you to say
Keep your propaganda to yourself--- keep your lies
I sure as hell don’t need your help--- `cause i dont need em.
(I`m hearing this in my head as a kind of descending pattern maybe? Descending chords are weak but they do get a big emotional response out of the listener.)
(Thats really bad i know, but the best i can do off the top of my head.
) Also, you`ll notice I haven`t rhymed; it`s not compulsory. Sometimes it can feel forced and then it becomes more of a joke than a musical tool. Experiment with rhyme!!!
You have to bear in mind where each word is gonna fall in the beat. The first beat has the most impact then the second, these are where important words should go. Short phrases have more impact than long ones.
Also, think about repetition, maybe? It`s down to your discretion and personal preference, but it may break the verses up a little. (they are kinda long)
As to the words, I think you`re very specific. It leaves little for the listener to think about; try eliminating the
use of the pronoun `you`. For example, I`ll try re-writing some of the lyrics...
pounded thoughts forced into my head
until i wished for death they said
and screwed beliefs within my mind
thoughts i knew were best left behind
There’s nothing left for you to say
There’s nothing here so let me pay
my way across the river Styx
roads paved with blood and wasted wits
I’m your puppet never more
I`ll take my chances through the door
No regrets of choices made
Of far too many wasted years
hiding in this wasted shell
of love`s creation; living hell.
(doesn`t that make you think? lol)
A bit heavier than I`m used to and again it`s a little rough, but it`s an idea. Remember your music should reflect the mood you want your lyrics to convey.
My final piece of advice is this;
in the end, it`s up to you. You`ll get more experience as you write more music. Experiment with everything and find out what works for you. And most importantly, don`t take everyones` opinion too heavily; i`ve written a lot of stuff here which I have come across in my career as a musician, however, it`s only MY opinion and what I like is probably not the same as what you like. lol. That`s cool though.
It`s a good attempt though. May I ask for a more light hearted song in future
And good luck with your band.
