Anne Cooper Hewitt
(Gene Fowler)

I'm only a sterilized heiress,
A butt for the laughter of rubes,
I'm comely and rich
But a venomous bitch-
My mother ran off with my tubes.

Oh, fie on you, mother, you bastard,
Come back with my feminine toys,
Restore my abdomen,
And make me a woman,
I want to go out with the boys.

Imagine my stark consternation,
At feeling a surgeon's rude hands
Exploring my person,
(Page Aimee McPherson)
And then rudely snatching my glands.

Oh, fie on you, medical monsters,
How could you so handle my charms?
My bosom is sinking,
My clitoris shrinking-
I need a strong man in my arms.

The butler and second-man snub me
No more will they use my door key-
The cook from Samoa
Has spermatozoa
For others, but never for me.

Oh, fie on you, fickle men servants!
With your strong predilection to whore
Who cares for paternity,
Forgive my infirmity-
Can't a girl just be fun any more?

What ruling in court can repay me,
For losing my peas-in-the-pod?
My joyous fecundity,
Turned to morbundity,
Like Pickford, I'll have to try God.

Oh, fie on you, courthouse and ruling
I want my twin bubbles of jest,
Take away my hot flashes
And menopause rashes,
And let me feel weight on my chest.

Note: There was a considerable scandal back in 193? or so, when
Ann Cooper Hewitt sued her mother for having had her sterilized,
to block an inheritance that was contigent upon her producing
heirs. RG
RG