The Teetotal Society

I've come to exhort you so free all you that so fond of the bottle are
And when you my argument see, ev'ry one will become a Teetotaler
Of gin, brandy, rum, wine or beer to drink is a great impropriety
Of trash I'd have you steer clear, and join the Teetotal Society.

An old man was troubled with corns, that scarcely the stairs he could
hobble up
He used to drink beer out of horns, and all sorts of liquor would gobble up
His corns all have left one by one, and now he's the pink of sobriety
And pray how was all this done? Why? He joined the Teetotal Society.

T'other day my young pigs and old sow, I found to be far gone in liquor
In my family I this can't allow, to temperance being a sticker
They had with grain from the brewer been fed, but now they shall share in
sobriety
Coffee grounds and tea leaves instead, and they shall join the
Teetotal Society.

A Teetotaler t'other day died, the doctor his friend did entice out,
Examined his stomach inside, and they say took a large lump of ice out.
This can't be true, for if ever we are ill of brandy we take a small
moiety
And melt ice you know brandy it will, it has been tried by the Teetotal
Society.

I wander about doing good, our society pays all my charges
Preaching two hours at least, to coal heavers working on barges
But they said,"If you carried our coals, of beer you'll soon see the
propriety,"
But ah! they are sad wicked souls, they won't join the Teetotal Society.

Folks ask what makes my nose so red? I'll tell and end all this puzzling
It 'ant drink what gets in my head, it's blushing to see so much guzzling.
Drops of brandy we take two or three, as medecine and no impropriety
And put some in our gruel and tea, as allowed by the Teetotal Society.

The people laugh at me. Oh dear! and puts my mind in sad order works
And cries out whenever I appear,"How gets on the Temperence water works?"
But I tells them I don't care dump, and preaches away on sobriety
And for example drinks out of the pump, since I joined the Teetotal Society.

In our progress there's nothing excels, in our efforts we never do
slumber, sir
We have dug six and fifty new wells! And erected of pumps a great number, sir
I have here some Temperance tracts, of a most gratifying variety
That record some most wonderful facts, about the Teetotal Society.

A drunken beggar I very well know, quite lame and as thin as a rat he was
Led by a dog he would go through the streets, for blind as a bat he was,
You'll scarcely believe what I say, he's now the pink of sobriety
He got fat and can see clear as day, since he joined the Teetotal Society,

One night in my house every week, I holds forth on the beauties of Temperance
Because when in public I speak, I'm subject to a good deal of imperance.
After a lecture on Coffee they sup, or tea if they like for variety
I charge a shilling a cup, since I joined the Teetotal Society.

From Flashes o
note: mid 1800s; cover sheet says "As sung by Mr. Chapman with the greatest
applause at the Park Theater." No attribution, no copyright
listed. RG
RG
oct97